


My Arch Nemesis

by JedimasterMegan



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: 100 Percent A Crack Fic, Gen, I was probably sleep deprived when I wrote this, complete with a stupid office reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 17:35:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19977892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JedimasterMegan/pseuds/JedimasterMegan
Summary: Obi-wan Kenobi has made a lot of enemies over the years, but which one holds the title of his arch nemesis? His enemies would sure like to know!





	My Arch Nemesis

_**Somewhere deep in Separatist Space** _

General Grievous stalked along the bridge of his ship, metal feet clanking menacingly. He turned to a droid at a nearby data screen. "How close are we to completing the weapon?" he asked.

"It's almost finished, sir," the droid replied.

"Good," the General continued. "Then I will finally be able to destroy Kenobi, my arch nemesis, once and for all!"

"Excuse me?" a voice rang out. A figure dropped down from the ceiling. "If anything, I'm Kenobi's nemesis."

"Ventress?" Grievous sputtered. "What the- I thought you were dead!"

She smirked at him. "Oh, it takes quite a bit to kill me, my dear General. Now back to the matter at hand, I'm clearly Kenobi's nemesis. I mean, have you heard our banter? That's truly the mark of two nemeses."

"Wrong!" another voice rang out. Darth Maul stepped out of the shadows of the bridge, Pre Visla in tow. "I am his true nemesis!"

Grievous whipped his droid head back and forth between the assassin and the two newcomers. "Who the-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Pre Visla said, steeping out from behind Maul. "I thought I was his nemesis! I mean, I tried to kill his girlfriend a bunch of times!"

Maul just shoved him out of the way. "Yeah but who's the one who actually killed her?"

"You couldn't have done that without my help!"

Maul pursed his lips. "Kriff, you're right… But I killed his master! That really hurt him! This proves I should be his nemesis!"

" _Fools,_ " yet another voice rang out. Count Dooku stepped into their impromptu circle, nearly making Grievous jump ten feet into the air.

"What the- How the hell are you people getting on my bridge?!" Everyone ignored him of course.

"I have attacked Kenobi and his padawan, Skywalker, on multiple occasions, including the one where I severed Skywalker's arm. Add that to the fact that I have tarnished his master's name by turning to the dark side, Kenobi would clearly be my arch nemesis."

Grievous, who had finally gotten over his shock (but seriously couldn't these people just use the door and knock like normal people?), decided to join the ongoing argument. "You're all wrong! I am his arch nemesis! I even say his name cool! Watch this… _General Kenobi_ … See! That's total nemesis material right there!"

Fighting quickly broke out on the bridge, each person arguing for their right to be Kenobi's arch nemesis. "Ladies, ladies, calm down," Ventress said, sauntering into the center of them all. "You know what? I have an idea. Why don't we just go ask the man?

_**In a Republic Base Camp on an Outer Rim planet** _

Obi-wan Kenobi was very tired. It had been a stressful week fighting to take control of the planet they were currently stationed on. That meant more work and less sleep for the _Negotiator._ Well, less sleep than normal. In fact, he became so tired that he passed out before the medics could even threaten to sedate him to get him to rest. The medics appreciated not having to do that for once. (Honestly, that man could not take care of himself sometimes.)

So needless to say, Obi-wan Kenobi was very mad when he was rudely awakened in the middle of the night.

"Kenobi." A hand slapped his cheek. "Kenobi, wake up." He ignored the voice and turned over. The ground was the most comfortable thing in the world at the moment, despite its hardness, and he wasn't planning on leaving it any time soon.

The hand moved and shook him this time, eliciting a groan from him. "Come on, Kenobi, this is important!" He reluctantly sat up, blinking the sleep from his eyes.

"What do you want An-" The person kneeling in front of him was not Anakin. "Ventress!" he exclaimed, crawling backwards as he fumbled with his lightsaber. His sleep-added mind finally managed to get his body into a fighting position and he ignited his saber.

"Calm down, Kenobi. There's no need for that." Dooku stepped out of the shadows behind Ventress, his presence only further confusing Obi-wan. Three more figures formed out of the darkness, revealing General Grievous, Darth Maul, and Pre Visla.

"Seven Sith Hells, I must be dreaming." He muttered quietly to himself.

"Wrong, Kenobi." Not quiet enough apparently. "We truly are all standing here." Darth Maul said.

"Yeah it's a great big family reunion thing or whatever, but what we're really here for is to ask you a question." Ventress continued.

Oni-wan lowered his saber, but only slightly, finally taking a look at his surroundings. "You brought me into the forest and woke me up so you could ask a question?" he asked, more than a hint of his annoyance showing.

Grievous shoved himself to the front, "Yes that's exactly what we did, now on to the question. Which one of us is your arch nemesis?"

"Pardon?"

"You heard him right, Kenobi. We had a disagreement on who was your nemesis. We thought the easiest thing would be to ask you." Pre Visla supplied helpfully.

"Just for the record," Ventress interrupted, "it was my idea." She was ignored by everyone but Obi-wan, who still looked as though he thought he had gone senile.

"So you kidnapped me to settle an argument?" A chorus of yes's followed. Oh, how Obi-wan wished there was a camera right now. Then he could look into it exasperatedly like on that show Anakin watched, The Workplace.

With a sigh, Obi-wan extinguished his saber and plopped back down on the grassy ground. "Alright, might as well get this over with." He swore they all grinned.

And that is how Obi-wan found himself listening to the cases of five different Separatist as they recounted all the atrocities they had committed against him, which was not fun for him by any means. Still, he listened to them all, for the sooner he got this over with, the sooner he could go back to sleep.

Finally, they all finished and now sat there patiently as they waited for his verdict. He sighed again and stood up. That patience they showed seconds earlier immediately went out the window, and shouts reached his ear, far too loud for his own liking.

"It's me!" I'm pretty sure it's me!" Pre Visla's voice could be heard over all the rest. Obi-wan turned to him.

"Please, you were hardly even a choice."

Visla stammered before Obi-wan cut him off again, "Really, considering everything you've done and all the people that have done similar things to me, you shouldn't even be here."

Visla sulked in the background as Obi-wan continued on. "Our wonderful Count here isn't it either."

Dooku scowled. "I expected more from you, Kenobi."

Obi-wan rolled his eyes. "Please, there are literally thousands of people across the galaxy who wish to see you dead. Last time I checked, an arch nemesis is specific to one person." He faced Grievous. "That goes for you, too." Both of them joined Visla in the back, arms crossed as they sat back down.

Obi-wan turned to Maul next. "Oh, I absolutely despise you and everything you've done to be." Maul grinned. "But I've already enacted justice on you, so you aren't my nemesis either. Besides," Obi-wan smirked, "denying you this title will hurt you ever more."

"Really, Kenobi?" Maul sneered. "I thought Jedi were above getting revenge."

He smirked once again. "Yes, but I'm sure the Council would allow tormenting Sith Lords."

Ventress chose that moment to spring up. "I'm the only one left! That means I'm his arch nemesis!"

"I'm afraid not, my dear." Ventress stopped in the middle of her victory dance and whirled to face him. "You've been off the scene for quite some time. Nemeses tend to fight on a daily basis, and half the time we do end up meeting in battle, it's hardly fighting at all."

She pouted before sitting back in the grass. Obi-wan couldn't help but laugh at her reaction. "You'll have to do better, my dear." She stuck out her tongue at him.

"So who's your arch nemesis then?" Grievous spoke up, asking the question that was surely on everyone's mind.

"Well, it's certainly none of you," Obi-wan replied. "And since there's no one else I can think of… I guess I don't have an arch nemesis."

"Oh, come on!" a voice cried out, startling all six of them. Anakin Skywalker jumped out from behind a bush. "Really? After all that you're going to say you don't have one!"

"Anakin!" Obi-wan exclaimed, "You knew about this?!"

"Well, duh," he replied, sitting down in the grass. "Who do you think let these five into the base? I overheard them arguing about it all and decided 'oh that'd be funny to watch' and so-"

"Wait, wait, wait, you LET them kidnap me?!"

"Yes, Master, now pay attention to the story. Anyways," he continued, "I thought it would be great to get on video so I made sure you guys ended up here and I set cameras up all around to record what happened. And I must say, you guys have put on the funniest show I've ever seen!" he said, breaking into laughs. Everyone else was silent, many of them wondering how they were tricked so easily, especially how they managed to be tricked by _Anakin Skywalker_ of all people.

"So let me get this straight," Obi-wan began. "You let five _known Separatists_ into a _Republic base_ …"

"Yes."

"Let them kidnap _me_ , a General in the Republic Army, who was also in severe need of rest by the way _…_ "

"Yes."

"Led them to this place somehow, I'm guessing by using at least one illegal measure, where you had hidden cameras set up…"

"Yes."

"And then you recorded the whole thing while watching from the bushes."

"Yep!"

Obi-wan looked exasperated. "And I'm assuming you uploaded this to the Holonet as well?"

"Of course, Master!" He sounded _way_ too happy about this. "This was too good of an opportunity to pass up! In fact, it's live streaming right now! I still have Ahsoka recording all this!" he said as he gestured to somewhere else in the bushes.

Obi-wan stared into the distance for a good minute before turning back to the group. "You know what? I think I _do_ have an arch nemesis." The five leaned in, waiting in anticipation.

Anakin leaned in as well, waiting to see who it would be… Then Obi-wan turned his steely gaze onto him. _Oh shit,_ he thought. He took off sprinting.

"ANAKIN, YOU SON OF A HUTT, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE SO I CAN KICK IT ALL THE WAY BACK TO CORUSCANT!" Obi-wan yelled as he chased him through the forest, leaving the others behind

"AHHHHH I SCREWED UP OKAY? I SCREWED UP SO BAD!" they heard Anakin yell. More screams and shouts could be heard as the two moved farther into the distance, until the shouts couldn't be heard at all, leaving the five to stand in the middle of the now-silent forest.

"So… I'm definitely his nemesis."

"Ha, that's highly unlikely."

"Yeah, Kenobi would kill you in a second!"

"Shut up, Ventress!"

"Nobody asked for your opinion."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm at jedi-master-megan on tumblr if you want to say hi! :)


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